10 replies to this topic

[WEBS]

Requires Knowledge of C/C++(or any other similar language) for optimal understanding.

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***

Project:  Version - Windows 95



Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):



#include 

#include 

#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */

#include  /* For the court of law */



#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version



void main()

{

  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

  {

    if (there_are_still_bugs)

      market(bugfix);

    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);

  }

  while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)

  {

    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in

                                                    lie.h */

    if (rumours_grow_wilder)

      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

    {

      market_time=ripe;

      say("It will be ready in one month);

      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);

      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

      vapourware=TRUE;

      break;

     }

  }

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

  {

     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");

       break;

    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

       say("Yes it will work");

       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

       pretend(there_is_no_problem);

       break;

     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"

           " the 32 bits architecture");

       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

       break;

     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for

            everyone");

       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

       when(time_is_ripe)

       {

         arrest(journalist);

         brainwash(journalist);

         when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)

         {

           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");

           release (journalist);

         }

       }

       break;

   }

   while (vapourware)

   {

     introduction_date++; /* Delay */

     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

       break;

     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

  }

  release(beta_version)

  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

  {

    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;

    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)

    {

      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

      {

        ignore(customer);

        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this

                                              bastard");

      }

    }

    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )

    {

      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);

      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      if (boobies_start_to_hang)



        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

    }

    if (there_is_another_company)

    {

      steal(their_ideas);

      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

      buy_out(other_company);

    }

  }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at

     us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);

  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

  laugh_at(everyone,

for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}





void bugfix(void)

{

  charge (a_lot_of_money)

  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

  if (still_complaints)

  {

    ignore(customer);

    register(customer, big_Bill_book);

    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

  }

}

[Neo]

It seems to me that Microsoft keeps reusing a lot of that code for every new version of Windows they release.

[Xilenx]

I know nothing about codes, but I bet Microsoft probably does use the same code, because it's virtually the same functions, probably with additions to it. You simply need the next one because it does the same thing, except like xp, more colors, and the new games will require a certain function of the new OS. all for us to consistently upgrade, and give mr. gates more cash.

[WEBS]

Well they definitely reuse the bugfix function.

[SptsNaz]

lol, I didn't realize it was supposed to be a joke for a while.

[Brennan-Monster]

Soo... your point is that Windows 95 is defective, exploitative, and bug-ridden? You need to post this seven years ago or so, when somebody cared. Besides, nobody's holding a gun to your head to buy it, and besides that Windows 95 was a huge leap over Windows 3.11.

Why don't you pick on somebody who's still alive enough to fight back?

[Xilenx]

I think it was a joke...just read through it and you'll notice it is. He could easily replace 75 with XP too..

[WEBS]

Quote

Why don't you pick on somebody who's still alive enough to fight back?

So..if I would have posted this 8-9 years ago, Windows 95 would fight back against me?

Basically what you told us is that you like Windows. Good for you! Want a biscuit?

[Brennan-Monster]

Don't get all smart now. I don't particularly like Windows, but it deserves to be a success. Even though Windows 95 really muscled out all those user-friendly competitors at the time at that time, like DOS and OS/2.

What really irritates me is the increasingly arrogant, nerd-elitist turn this forum has been taking since last year. Windows is bad, tee-hee. Microsoft is sinister, ha ha. Now I'm going to go back to my Linux box and fight the system! OPEN SOURCE!!!

Lame. There are more important things to complain about than Windows, and funnier jokes to make, too.

[LeonM]

I don't see you making them, it's a valid joke, and afunny one at that, don't be uptight, just laugh.

[Xilenx]

Different people have different kinds of humor..I'm sure some techie out there finds it funny like Leon.