18 replies to this topic

[DarkAngel987]

We all need a little humor in our lives. Please share your favorite jokes. Here's mine:

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[lola101]

A cop stops a car driving 18 mph in a 65 mph max freeway zone. He finds that the car has four old ladies and asks the driver, also an old lady, why she is driving so slowly, explaining that she is impeding traffic. She says she is driving at the speed limit, pointing to a nearby sign. The cop then tells her that that is route 18 not the speed limit. He then notices that the passengers of the car are quite distressed. He asks if everything is okay. The driver responds that they just got off of route 134.

[lola101]

Here's another... A monkey comes into a store and asks the clerk for bananas. THe clerk tells him they are all out. The monkey comes back the next day and asks for bananas again and gets the same response. THe next day he comes back and the clerk tells him they have no bananas. He comes in again the next day and asks the clerk if he has bananas. The clerk tells him: "If you come into this store and ask for bananas one more time ill nail you to the wall." THe monkey comes back the next day and asks the clerk, "DO you have any nails" The clerk responds no.. then the monkey asks him... "Do you have any bananas?"

This ones from comedy central but its hilarious: Plastic Surgery Miracles

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a** and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

[shesoledout]

HAHAHA. My favorite joke isn't that funny but I find it to be cute every time.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Holy s...! It's hot in here!" The other muffin replies "Holy s...! A talking muffin!"

[lola101]

Strangers on a Train

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
- from comedy central
Doesn't anybody have any more jokes?

[lola101]

You Can Take it With You

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

-comedycentral

[islam_fm_786]

Wow Lola101, those are alot of jokes. Here are some of my favorites, these are all by Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005).
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don’t even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D."

I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit." Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor." If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car, we're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fu**ed up.


Here is another one, * I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I've had the AIDS test four times. And that s*it is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."

[APBrooklynGirl]

A blond and a brunette both jump off the same building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions

A little boys name is tim harder. he tell his teacher "lets have sex" she says no. he takes a rock and threatens to throw it. "lets have sex" she says "okay". so when all the kids go home, they stay in the classroom. just as theyre getting to the good part, his father who was worried about bwhere his son was comes in and yells "TIM HARDER!"
"Im trying dad!"
lmao

[SakuraSong]

I'm afraid that the Yankee fans won't like this one much, but it's still funny. Heh heh.

One day, a reporter was strolling around a street in Boston, and saw two boys attacked by a dog. One of the kid drove him away, and the reporter went over to him, thinking that he might get a story.

"Say, which of you drove off that dog?" The reporter asked?
The kid beamed, and said that he did.
So the reporter whipped out his notebook, and started to dictate, "Heroic Bruins fan saves friend in need...."
The boy pouted, and said "I'm not a Bruins fan!".
The report apologised, and turned to a new sheet of paper. "Couragous Red Sox fan fends off vicious rottweiler..."
The boy frowned again, and said "But I'm not a Red Sox fan either!".
The reporter was confused, and so he asked the kid what team he rooted for.
The kid beamed again, and said "I'm a proud Yankee's fan!".
The reporter thought for a moment, and turning to a new sheet, wrote "Little brat from New York kills beloved family pet!".


"Sunday School".

Little Mary was sleeping in school, when her teacher asked her "Little Mary, who was the Creator of all life?"
Johnny, who sat behind Little Mary, poked her with a pin. Little Mary jerked up in surprise, and shouted "God Almighty!".
"Very good Little Mary!". The teacher turned, and Little Mary went back to sleep.
But the teacher had another question to ask her. "Little Mary, who was the one that saved us and took on all our sins?"
Again, Johnny poked her with the pin, and Little Mary jumped out and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good Little Mary!". And the girl went back to her sleep.
Yet the teacher still was not done, and she posed another question to Little Mary. "Little Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after her 23rd child?"
Again, Johnny poked her with the pin. Little Mary woked up, and roared "If you won't stop sticking that thing in me, I'll break it in half!".
The teacher fainted.

[lola101]

Shrewd Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

[aegistar]

Three scientists died and went to hell. They met the devil and asked to be returned back to Earth. The devil tells them that if any one of them can find something that the devil cannot melt, will be able to go back to Earth.

The first scientist is allowed back to Earth to find such a mtaerial. He went through all his geographi9cal books and got a rock that was able to withstand high temperatures. He went back to the devil and gave him the rock. The devil put the rock in his hands, closed his hands, and opened them again. The rock melted. So the first scientist failed.

The second scientist returns to Earth and begins creating a special material that could withstand high temperatures. He went back with the material and placed it in the devil's hands. The devil closed his hands and reopened them. The material had melted. So the second scientist failed.

The third scientist stood there and rummaged through his pockets. He palced the thing in the devil's hands. The devil closed his hands and reopened them. IT WAS STILL THERE! the devil tried closing and opening his hands a few more times. Nope, the thing would not melt. The devil asked the scientist what was this thing.

"M&Ms. It melts in your mouth, not in your hands"

[Shinningknuckles]

Ok
Three guys die and go to the pearly gates, St. peter comes out and says that heaven is taking 33% off all entries. Meaning only one of them would go to heaven. St. peter than says which ever one of you had the worst death shall be let in. St. Peter than asks the 1st guy how he died. He said
" I knew my wife was cheating on me, so I drove home early to get this son of a gun. When i came in my wife hopped into the shower, which is when i saw a guy hanging from my balcony on the 24th floor. So i decided to bash his hands till he fell. He dropped to the ground but he wasnt dead. I than threw a refridgerator at him finishing him off. I was so sad at what i had done, i took a gun and shot myself."
St Peter sees that that was a tragic death. He then asks the next guy.
" So i am at my balcony on the 26th floor when i take a nice deep stretch, I then fall off my balcony but luckily grab onto the 24th floor balcony. I thought i was saved when a guy came to his window, but he decided to bash my hands till i fell. I dropped to the ground only to see that i was still alive. Then a refridgerator comes falling at me."
St. Peter believes that that was also terrible he than asks the third guy
"Okay. so im chilling in a refridgerator right?"

[Chiyeung DjChi Lau]

some really dumb simple ones

Did you hear bout the kidnapping in queens?
No cause the kid woke up

Did you see the movie constipation?
No, it didnt come out

Did you see the movie fart?
yeah, it smells

[azntechguy]

Holy necropost! I'd never thought I'd see aegistar's avatar again!

---

Here's my bit: (what you get if you rearrange words)

Dormitory <-> Dirty Room
Presbyterian <-> Best In Prayer
Astronomer <-> Moon Starer
Desperation <-> A Rope Ends It
The Eyes <-> They See
The Morse Code <-> Here Come Dots
Slot Machines <-> Cash Lost In Me
Animosity <-> Is No Amity
Election Results <-> Lies. Let's Recount
Mother-In-Law <-> Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms <-> Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point <-> I’m A Dot In Place
The Earthquakes <-> That Queer Shake
Eleven Plus Two <-> Twelve Plus One

[kinpaku]

heh, i found this one amusing

Three biology students have a wild weekend at another campus. They get back extremely early Monday morning, only to remember that they have a Biology exam at 9:00 AM. Incapable of staying awake, they all pass out in bed as soon as they get back to their dorm and sleep until the next evening.

When they wake up, they realize they have missed the exam, but one student has a clever plan. He says that their professor is an old softie, and that he will let them take the exam if they just make up a good excuse for not being in class to take it earlier that day. They decide to tell the professor that they got a flat tire.

The next day, the three students go to the professor and spin their sad tale of woe. Amazingly, he buys it, and tells them he would be happy to give them their exam if they come by his office later that day to pick it up. Of course, he will not have any proctors around, because they did not schedule this far enough ahead, but he would be fine if they just took it in seperate rooms. Overjoyed, the boys agree. They can't believe their luck.

That afternoon, the boys sit down to their tests, all in seperate rooms. The first page says:

2 pts: List the products of the Krebs cycle in photosynthesis.

Oh boy, they all think, this is easy, and answer the question.

Then they turn the page. The next page says:

98 pts: Which tire?

[Shadae]

shesoledout, on 30 October 2005 - 12:41 PM, said:

HAHAHA. My favorite joke isn't that funny but I find it to be cute every time.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Holy s...! It's hot in here!" The other muffin replies "Holy s...! A talking muffin!" :P

i dont get it......

[Shadae]

kinpaku, on 19 November 2006 - 09:02 PM, said:

heh, i found this one amusing

Three biology students have a wild weekend at another campus. They get back extremely early Monday morning, only to remember that they have a Biology exam at 9:00 AM. Incapable of staying awake, they all pass out in bed as soon as they get back to their dorm and sleep until the next evening.

When they wake up, they realize they have missed the exam, but one student has a clever plan. He says that their professor is an old softie, and that he will let them take the exam if they just make up a good excuse for not being in class to take it earlier that day. They decide to tell the professor that they got a flat tire.

The next day, the three students go to the professor and spin their sad tale of woe. Amazingly, he buys it, and tells them he would be happy to give them their exam if they come by his office later that day to pick it up. Of course, he will not have any proctors around, because they did not schedule this far enough ahead, but he would be fine if they just took it in seperate rooms. Overjoyed, the boys agree. They can't believe their luck.

That afternoon, the boys sit down to their tests, all in seperate rooms. The first page says:

2 pts: List the products of the Krebs cycle in photosynthesis.

Oh boy, they all think, this is easy, and answer the question.

Then they turn the page. The next page says:

98 pts: Which tire?

FAIL!!!

[©Milton]

Most of the jokes I know contain vast amounts of profanity, and are inappropriate :3

[Cowfun]

HEY I HAVE A KNOCK KNOCK JOKE!
you start :D